Cool Enough for Capeside?
The story of a WB audition
Fade in: Some friends are having a drink in a bar/pool hall. Guy number one tells guy number two (me, of course) that he is going to try out for an open casting call at Universal for the WB. "What?" I sputtered out, mouth agape. Something this magical has sneaked into my backyard unbeknownst to me? I must be slipping in my old age. Naturally the first thing I did was finish my beer and order another. The next day I figured out my plan of attack.
Cut to: That fateful Saturday. It was a sultry morning filled with... oh hell, it was freakin' hot and I had to wake up at 6 AM. I picked up my underage partner and we were off to Universal, to make me the star I ought to be. We arrived at 7:30 AM, registered, and waited on the Disney-esque line for three and a half hours as miles of people lined up behind us. I practiced my lines, schmoozed with the other would-be actors and sweated profusely. I began to notice that everyone else in line was a 13-year-old girl, even though the audition was an open call for ages 13-35, male or female. I was one of the few, the proud, the men auditioning for the WB. It was like an N'Sync performance at the local roller rink: I was swimming in a sea of hairspray, pink braces and giggling.
We finally got to the actual audition area and I prepared to dazzle all the WB bigwigs with some serious acting. Only there weren't any people to dazzle... just a guy with a camera and a light so bright it singed my eyebrows. My partner sat behind the camera and started to read. I cleared my throat and started to say my first line. I quickly realized that I sounded like I had fallen out of the puberty tree and hit every branch on the way down, but with my voice cracking like old vinyl, I continued. I stuttered my way through the script, skipping lines and butchering dialogue, the bright camera light melting my brain. When I was done humiliating myself, I stumbled into an elevator and left Universal.
It's been three weeks and I'm still expecting a call telling me I'm a finalist. I'm sure you're thinking, "How could you audition poorly and expect to be called back?" Let me explain -- it's a little thing called style over substance. I'm one of the unfortunate ones born without that acting chromosome. But I more than make up for it with style! I'd be perfect as the cute, mute boy at Capeside High. Or I could be the mysterious loner who never says anything at UC Sunnydale. Or maybe the coma patient that Felicity decides to nurse back to health as part of her community service for getting caught smoking crack. You get the picture. I can't act, but I can probably stand there and look good. So, I'm sure that any day now I'll be getting that call. And that quiet character you'll see lurking in the background looking angsty on some teen pop WB show... that will be me, Kevin Paget.